WASHINGTON — A valued member of our WUSA9 team, known for her kindness and serenity amid chaos, was shockingly involved in a verbal altercation over a parking spot this weekend.
This coworker, whom I'll call Patricia (not her real name; her real name is Erin Spaht; she's a producer for special assignment projects), momentarily became "Angry Holiday Shopper Person".
She is not proud of this.
But, haven't we all given in to our 'worser' angels at least once or twice, especially when our blinker has been established as wanting a certain spot for 7 minutes and then some ingrate pulls in as if Costco lot became the set of Fast and Furious XII?
Anyhow, to prevent further profanity and general rage, we have the answer to a Collective Question, If There Were a Holiday Parking Bill of Rights, what would it look like?
Article the First: Misuse of Hazard Lights.
Hazards are to be used only for dangerous road conditions, someone you know is about to have a baby in your front seat or your child needs 12 stitches at the ER. They are not to be used for picking up a Godiva sampler in the middle of a crowded street.
Article the Second: No law shall be made that enables you to claim a parking space on foot and without said vehicle.
In other words, no, "But Aunt Velma is about to pull in in three minutes. She told me to save this for her."
Article the Third: No law shall be made that allows any driver to try to park straight unlimited times.
If you can't make it for a third straight time, you must surrender the spot to someone who can drive.
Article the Fourth: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a parking spot, will be employed if you attempt to steal a spot from someone right next to the spot who has their blinker on for more than 90 seconds.
Article the Fifth: No car-parker shall, in time of peace, be allowed to creepily follow you to your car for more than 20 yards and expect you to leave them breadcrumbs to your spot
Article the Sixth: The right of the people not to be a parking pig and take up two spots just because you don't want someone swapping paint with your 77 Pontiac Sunbird with the gray primer on the front panel.
Stay between the white lines, Skippy.
Article the Seventh: No person shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous parking crimes.
Unless they're the guy who, having passed up a perfect spot, feels the need to back up and nearly hit the person behind them to claim it. No second chances in December. You lose it, you move it.
Article the Eighth: In all potentially volatile situations, please remember the acronym H.A.L.T. -- If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, don't fight over a spot.
1. You have no idea what's going in the other driver's life
2. It's the holidays. Give the gift of your spot that you could have had. It'll make you feel better.
Article the Ninth: No one parked should be hurried into giving up their space before they return their cart to the store or the proper cart-holder.
This was, of course, instituted by the poor schlubs who have to stack 88 carts at once and roll them back to the store without maiming anyone.
Finally, Article the Tenth: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted if you just stay home and shop online.