18 months ago
Much ink has been spilled on "Kristen," what it's like to be a highly paid hooker, and Mr. Spitzer and his conduct. Not much has been said about what it is like to be the wife in these situations, and what little is out there tends to suggest a spouse might not find the behavior all that objectionable. WRONG.
I went through something very similar to the Spitzer situation with my now ex-husband, who had a high level security clearance with the Defense Department (DIA). You know, the kind that sat at the table with Rummy. Married twenty years; he admitted under oath to spending at least half of that time with roughly biweekly "massage parlor girls," wasting thousands of our dollars along the way. It got bad when he turned 40; I kicked him out at 45. His employer looked the other way until the tax man ultimately - and quite recently - took him down on a tangentially related matter. The more he got away with, the more temerarious he became in all aspects of his life. The court system in Fairfax County, VA gave him a wink and a nod in the divorce proceedings in 2004, with the Special Commissioner minimizing the lengthy behavior, complete with documented social diseases, a health risk, equating it on fault grounds as tantamount to my fibromyalgia, which he seemed to imply in his report may have justified and provoked it. Despite my fervent opposition, the Trial Court judge, since retired, allowed my ex-husband to sell the marital residence, with its multitude of hidden problems, without full disclosure, at the top of the bubble real estate market, specifically ordering me gagged from truthtellling. In written opinions in two related tort cases, a colleague, still sitting on the bench, grossly mischaracterized the tax fraud as "...not taken steps related to income tax returns..." and "...not filed the necessary tax forms..." Affirmed by higher courts, including the Supremes, it is enough to give one pause as to the intellectual and common sense competancy of the judiciary and casts doubt on whether a woman -more specifically, an ethnic New Yorker in a Southern courtroom; yes, they're still fighting the Civil War anytime and anyplace they can - can expect to get fair and equal treatment when a male jurist presides. I witnessed first hand an alacrity to truckle to and acceptance of mendacity under oath - much more common than you would imagine - rather than a willingness to ferret out veracity and do any independent thinking, completely subverting the legitimacy and purpose of the process. What can I say...boys will be boys and the boys' club - dominating as ever, that "glass ceiling" is real - finds a way to protect its own. STILL. I will be pleasantly surprised if Mr. Spitzer goes to jail.
I spent years hoping it was just a mid life crisis and that I could wait it out. And that my ex-husband would eventually stay in therapy long enough to get past the preoccupation. My feeling now is that shrinks don't work unless patients go for the right reason, and appeasing a spouse or because one's been caught doesn't qualify. While it may begin as a curiosity, or a choice, the behavior quickly becomes an addiction, and like all patterns, the longer it has gone on, the harder it is to break. My ex-husband, aside from losing a career that I had sacrificed years in helping him build, went on to remarry someone who spent much of the time between her marriages in "relationships," some with married men, to augment her paltry finances, splurging $30,000 of our savings on her in the first year alone. Those kind of women are out there as well, disrespectful and eager to tip and take advantage of tottering marriages and available for well compensated affairs. Not quite prostitution, but if you look at the dictionary definition, not far from it. Calculated, manipulative preying, one step up from a "pro." As far as I am concerned, my ex-husband got what he deserved, but it saddens me that despite my efforts to help him "rise above his raising," he sunk to THAT comfort level and allowed her to bring him further down. But I digress...
Watching Mrs. Spitzer was painful for me and compelled me to tell my story. And while she may never read this, I believe what occurred in her marriage on a national stage is a dirty little secret in many conjugal closets throughout the nation. It needs to be exposed, discussed and denounced. Responsibility for the betrayal should not be avoidable with "deals." There is no "deal" that can ever completely repair a wronged partner's intense heartache, although I suspect given the Spitzers' wealth, his wife will be paid handsomely to "stay" and live apart. Trust is almost impossible to rebuild in the aftermath and it takes time to heal. Contrary to how it is often cavalierly portrayed, it is not a victimless crime.
For quite a few years, I "knew," but "didn't know." Afraid to ask, scared of what I might hear. Above all else, keep it picture perfect on the outside and maintain the facade. I was as stunned as Mrs. Spitzer looked when my ex-husband started getting pimples on his penis and "butt crack" rashes. That was my wake up call. But through some warped logic and misplaced loyalty, stubbornly Italian Catholic, I blamed myself and attempted to hold the marriage together, enduring the emotional abuse -let's call it what it is - in addition to substantial verbal and some physical accompanyment - for another five years. So many women do that, when in fact the impulse is something we have no control over and has nothing to do with us. We stay silent and suffer, for "love," to preserve our investment of time, because inertia is easier, out of shame and embarrassment, convinced maybe somehow we "deserve it," in shell shocked denial. If we attempt to talk, we often find no one interested in listening, so we quickly clam up. "Stand by your man" is every woman's first instinct, but unless there is true remorse and a substantial effort (versus a promise) to change, it becomes nothing more than enabling.
Try as you might, you cannot "fix it." You cannot "do it" enough times or varied ways to appease the urge, which becomes the third wheel and rival in the marriage. Think Charles and Diana with a permanent but invisible Camilla. Your sexual performance will always be compared - unfavorably - to that of the hooker girls. My ex-husband's ubiquitous mantra was that I was not "a real woman." There is a popular misconception that these emotionally uninvolved encounters, as opposed to affairs, are less threatening and detrimental to the nuptial bond. The converse is actually the case, because in the pursuit of narcissistic pleasure, any crotch will do, the epitome of objectification. "Specialness" and "selectivity", those hallmarks of social "flings," are not necessary to satisfy this hard wired - think pedophilia or homosexuality - predilection. That is not said to diminish the effect that womanizing can have on relationships, but to distinguish it. Hookerville and Affairland are two very different places.
If there are children in the family, the oft cited reason for staying, it is poor role modeling for the next generation, girls and boys alike. With that, I am primarily referencing the male head of household, the blueprint for what manhood is for either sexed offspring. Fathers are the most important men in young girls' lives well into the teen years and beyond, viewed more or less as perfect. To have that image shattered on such a public stage must be devastating for the Spiter daughters. I found out my own father was "human" while in the same age bracket when I discovered he had won at the "numbers" in the pre legal lottery days. At almost 54 years of age, I still vividly recall the incident and it is stuck in my memory for life. And pales in comparison.
I became physically ill to the point of being bedridden and unable to work. The aforementioned fibromyalgia. I had my "Eat, Pray, Love" toilet bowel moment pre Elizabeth Gilbert when I concluded the situation had boiled down to "Divorce or Die." Despite my best efforts, and years of intensive expert therapy, including P/T, massage, acupuncture and rolfing, I was getting worse, not better. The tension in the household was so great that I could no longer urinate or have a bowel movement when my ex-husband was around and for a time had difficulty swallowing. I wonder how many other women being diagnosed with that trendy ailment of the moment, or other medical conditions, are just suffering a severe stress reaction to bad - no make it, toxic - relationships. Almost four years post divorce, and I am virtually symptom free. I am happy. Ecstatic. Thriving. Grateful. And it has NOTHING to do with a man. Or Lyrica.
In writing this, my intention is to spark the conversation and educate others on what seems to be currently vastly misunderstood, given the public criticism of Mrs. Spitzer's presence by her husband's side at both news conferences. Appearances can be deceiving. It's complicated. Try to empathize.
In addition, I want to offer other women similarly situated hope and spur the rest to examine the details of their lives. If you feel something is wrong, it probably is. Don't stuff it down; don't play unconscious pretend. TALK, to someone, anyone. Find someone who will listen. These men do not wear a sign announcing their proclivities. They hail from all walks of life and are generally not the "usual suspects." The propensity cannot be "educated" or "statused" out of them. It is what it is, in this era of disposable people and somewhat sociopathic behavior on the part of both sexes. I found out the hard way that the commitment expressed in wedding vows means (and meant) very little, uttered for the sake of convenience and expediancy. Before they act, people need to begin to start to think about whether how they're behaving is how THEY would want to be treated in return. There is sadly little contemplation on that point around.
This is not a fairy tale. "Once upon a time" I had such a man in my bed. Look around; check yours. As I write this, it was disclosed that US Senator Stabenow's husband has been similarly compromised. For every "Bimbo eruption" you hear about, be assured there are many more you do not. This is not a phenomena confined to men in the public and/or political eye. They are truly the "guy next door."
Karen from Alexandria, VA.
