Seeking Strength

My name is Jennifer Butler. I’m a 19-year-old African-American girl living in Fairfax, Virginia. I wanted to e-mail you because I saw the Buddy Check 9 program on TV. Over 3 years ago, I discovered that I had a lump in my right breast.

I came across it by chance; I had had a horrible cough and was rubbing some Vick’s Vapor Rub on. At first I didn’t believe that anything could be there, that it would go away. It didn’t. That same morning, I told my Mom, who felt it and we immediately scheduled an appointment with the doctor.

The emotional roller coaster really took a toll on me. I had a mixture of emotions… fear, anxiety, even anger. I didn’t understand why something like that, whatever it was, would be there, inside my body.

The doctor was impressed that I’d found the lump myself. She examined me and decided to do an ultrasound of the area. The lump was larger than she thought it would be, but since I’m a rather slight girl, she assured me that it was most likely filled with fluid. I remember the ultrasound vividly. I’ll never forget the doctor shaking her head and pressing her lips together in a quiet murmur of concern. The lump wasn’t fluid-filled… it was a tumor. I was told that she’d need to do a biopsy, and that there were three options.

1) Pending the results, we could wait and monitor the growth.
2) They could inject a substance that would freeze the tumor and then routinely
check it.
3) Full removal of the tumor through surgery.

After much thought, I decided to have the mass removed. They were going to have to biopsy it anyway, so I opted for them to remove it then.

I remember when I made that decision. I was sitting at the dining room table. This may sound stupid, Miss Roane, but I was using colored pencils to draw a picture of this thing inside of me. I was so afraid. I felt like my body was disgusting. I didn’t want to touch the lump or any part of me at all. I didn’t understand why my body would form something ugly like that.

But prayer and music helped me through the hardest times. I listened to my favorite songs on the way to the hospital and brought my teddy bear, Bo-Bo, along with me to cuddle. The minister’s wife from my church came to pray for me before I was wheeled away to the operating room.

God was with me, Miss. While I was under, during the surgery, I had this wonderful dream. I was standing on top of a hillside while the sun was setting, and as I looked down on the city below me, above many of the houses there burned a bright flame, like the light of a candle. Then there was a thought… a whisper, in the back of my mind. These lights are all who are praying for you… all who love you. Words can't describe how I felt then!

The next couple weeks following the operation were difficult. I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for the phone call with the biopsy results.

And then, the words… benign. Though the tumor was large, there was no sign of cancer.

That was years ago. I’m writing to you now, asking for your help. Since then, I haven’t been able to give myself a breast exam. The fear, the anxiety… it still consumes me. Every time I try, I feel sick and shaken.

I’m asking for a little of your strength. I know I need to take charge of my health, and not let this rule over me. My mother doesn’t know about how afraid it makes me; neither does my gynecologist, who examines me every now and then.

Miss Andrea, please… in any way you can, please lend me the strength to conquer my fear… so that I can take charge of my health again, and in doing so, take charge of my life.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Butler
Fairfax, Virginia